So the other night after work I went to a grocery that mostly catered to immigrants. While I was shopping one of the ladies that worked there struck up a pseudoconversation with me. She was just doing her job but seemed she was waay friendlier than she needed to be. Later I went to her checkout line and she talked at me and I tried to play it off real good. I think maybe I screwed up. Her reaction changed. I dont remember but I think I repeated myself or something. My brain kind of twisted like it sometimes does when I am in that situation as I am sure most of you people can relate to. The next night-Friday- I went back and she was pushing carts in the parking lot and I said hello to her. After I got my stuff, I went to her checkout and suddenly she had a ring on her finger. Also some dude was standing behind her. I paid for my stuff and left. I was disappointed because I really got the idea that I had made a really good impression on her and had myself all psyched up. Most of my issues spring from my own internal dialog and lack of compitance in reading other people. It seems like the only times I dont strike out is when I dont even try.
<After I got my stuff, I went to her checkout and suddenly she had a ring on her finger. Also some dude was
standing behind her. I paid for my stuff and left. I was disappointed because I really got the idea that I had made a really good impression on
her and had myself all psyched up. Most of my issues spring from my own internal dialog and lack of compitance in reading other people. It seems like the only times I dont strike out is when I dont even try.>
You do feel bad when this happens. Just when you think that maybe you're getting somewhere, you realize that either you misinterpreted her friendliness, or she played a game on you.
I met some girl in church way back in my single days while in the army. She and I would go out to dinner every now and then. She had two children, and would compliment me all the time on how good I was with them. (I was supposedly a second 'daddy' - not bad for a loved starved single guy huh)
Once or twice, there was some hand holding going on that she initiated. And man did it feel good just having that because it seemed like it had been forever since I had any female affection in my life. Although, inside I knew a shoe would drop at some point. The whole relationship went on for about a month or two (it's been awhile) and then 'hubby' showed up. He must have been deployed somewhere and then came back. (She never mentioned him, I never asked.) I did take time while visiting in her home to glance around for clues - did she have a boyfriend or spouse? If she did have someone, her home really didn't look like it. There weren't even any pictures of anyone else besides the kids.
Anyway, I went over there on a Saturday morning one time (the last time actually) and thought I'd take everyone out to breakfast. So, the kids answered the door and shouted 'Ron's here!' I hear her tell them to tell me that she'll be ready in a minute - so I sit on the sofa with the kids and watch cartoons with them.
Not 2 minutes later the front door opens and some guy walks in - military gear and all, and walks right by me and into the bedroom. Right away, I know who this is, the husband. I watched the children's reaction to this guy, I saw none. I interpreted this as that this guy is a regular in their life, probably the father. While he might not be actually living there, he comes and goes as he pleases - and she had been very good at keeping us apart all this time. Its an easy thing to do when you know two people's schedules.
I then decide to leave because the whole ordeal left me feeling very awkward. And honestly, even where I am now in life - looking back, I probably would have done the same thing. Only I might have been more bold by asking the children who this guy was. But, thats not what I did. I simply removed myself from the situation. (Sometimes thats the best choice.)
So I left, and never heard from her again. I figured she'd call me if she wondered where I went. However, I knew no call was coming. That visit was unplanned, and she knew it.
You know what I think? That this was a situation where she was maybe unofficially separated from her husband, and that he was still 'officially' in their life. She was probably lonely (like me) and I was an easy 'vacation' from all that. I paid for everything when we were together, in return, I had their company.
In retrospect, I guess I was wrong too not asking her if she was married. She was wrong for not mentioning it. I did learn from that experience - which is a good thing.
I will say, when you're lonely like I was, its very very easy to make mistakes like that. Especially regarding communication. I think that what happens is we see and hear what we want to see and hear because even an illusion sometimes 'feels' good when you have nothing.
phy <phy00x@yahoo.com> wrote in news:Xns97298E28422Cphy00xyahoocom@69.28.186.121:
So the other night after work I went to a grocery that mostly catered> to immigrants. While I was shopping one of the ladies that worked> there struck up a pseudoconversation with me. She was just doing her> job but seemed she was waay friendlier than she needed to be. Later I> went to her checkout line and she talked at me and I tried to play it> off real good. I think maybe I screwed up. Her reaction changed. I> dont remember but I think I repeated myself or something. My brain> kind of twisted like it sometimes does when I am in that situation as> I am sure most of you people can relate to. The next night-Friday- I> went back and she was pushing carts in the parking lot and I said> hello to her. After I got my stuff, I went to her checkout and> suddenly she had a ring on her finger. Also some dude was standing> behind her. I paid for my stuff and left. I was disappointed because I> really got the idea that I had made a really good impression on her> and had myself all psyched up. Most of my issues spring from my own > internal dialog and lack of compitance in reading other people. It> seems like the only times I dont strike out is when I dont even try.
Do I even have to get started on this one? _Grocery store clerks don't like you_. They're just being friendly, and many of them are good at it. When you try to take it out of the protocol of being a friendly customer, you _are_ going to get the cold shoulder. This is a law of the universe, people. It's like that thermodynamics stuff or the speed of light or conservation of energy, it's just not going to happen and it's the stuff of fiction.
it's just not going to happen and it's the stuff>of fiction.
Unfortunately television and movies have replaced reality for many people. In the mass media women are always waiting to be picked up by just about ANY guy who approaches them. That kind of false optimism pumped in all of the time really rots the brain and starts distorting your perceptions.
William P wrote:> phy <phy00x@yahoo.com> wrote in>
Do I even have to get started on this one? _Grocery store clerks don't > like you_. They're just being friendly, and many of them are good at it. > When you try to take it out of the protocol of being a friendly customer, > you _are_ going to get the cold shoulder. This is a law of the universe, > people. It's like that thermodynamics stuff or the speed of light or > conservation of energy, it's just not going to happen and it's the stuff of > fiction.
I've observed first hand successful waitress pickups. Of course, that guy would never be posting at a.s.s. to begin with. And he also got shot down massively.
I've observed first hand successful waitress pickups. Of course, that guy
would never be posting at a.s.s. to begin with. And he also got >shot down massively.
I think it is as simple as a math formula which perhaps VirgoCluster could elaborate upon. The chances of a successful pickup in a situation such as checkout counter girl or waitress is directly in relation to the man having a high rank and the woman having a lower one. For example, a 9 ranked man can easily pickup a 4 female but a 6 man and a 6 woman will not work 99% of the time. What I'm getting at is that odd pickups WORK only when the man is far better looking than the woman......if the equation tends toward equal attractiveness the woman is not open for pickup...
"RonW" <rtw184@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:32fbc4b5b986cc35a669ab89b140103a@localhost.talkaboutsupport.com...> <After I got my stuff, I went to> her checkout and suddenly she had a ring on her finger. Also some dude> was>
standing behind her. I paid for my stuff and left. I was disappointed> because I really got the idea that I had made a really good impression on>
her and had myself all psyched up. Most of my issues spring from my own> internal dialog and lack of compitance in reading other people. It seems> like the only times I dont strike out is when I dont even try.>>
You do feel bad when this happens. Just when you think that maybe you're> getting somewhere, you realize that either you misinterpreted her> friendliness, or she played a game on you.>
I met some girl in church way back in my single days while in the army.> She and I would go out to dinner every now and then. She had two> children, and would compliment me all the time on how good I was with> them. (I was supposedly a second 'daddy' - not bad for a loved starved> single guy huh)>
Once or twice, there was some hand holding going on that she initiated.> And man did it feel good just having that because it seemed like it had> been forever since I had any female affection in my life. Although, inside> I knew a shoe would drop at some point. The whole relationship went on for> about a month or two (it's been awhile) and then 'hubby' showed up. He> must have been deployed somewhere and then came back. (She never mentioned> him, I never asked.) I did take time while visiting in her home to glance> around for clues - did she have a boyfriend or spouse? If she did have> someone, her home really didn't look like it. There weren't even any> pictures of anyone else besides the kids.>
Anyway, I went over there on a Saturday morning one time (the last time> actually) and thought I'd take everyone out to breakfast. So, the kids> answered the door and shouted 'Ron's here!' I hear her tell them to tell> me that she'll be ready in a minute - so I sit on the sofa with the kids> and watch cartoons with them.>
Not 2 minutes later the front door opens and some guy walks in - military> gear and all, and walks right by me and into the bedroom. Right away, I> know who this is, the husband. I watched the children's reaction to this> guy, I saw none. I interpreted this as that this guy is a regular in their> life, probably the father. While he might not be actually living there, he> comes and goes as he pleases - and she had been very good at keeping us> apart all this time. Its an easy thing to do when you know two people's> schedules.>
I then decide to leave because the whole ordeal left me feeling very> awkward. And honestly, even where I am now in life - looking back, I> probably would have done the same thing. Only I might have been more bold> by asking the children who this guy was. But, thats not what I did. I> simply removed myself from the situation. (Sometimes thats the best> choice.)>
So I left, and never heard from her again. I figured she'd call me if she> wondered where I went. However, I knew no call was coming. That visit was> unplanned, and she knew it.>
You know what I think? That this was a situation where she was maybe> unofficially separated from her husband, and that he was still> 'officially' in their life. She was probably lonely (like me) and I was> an easy 'vacation' from all that. I paid for everything when we were> together, in return, I had their company.>
In retrospect, I guess I was wrong too not asking her if she was married.> She was wrong for not mentioning it. I did learn from that experience -> which is a good thing.>
I will say, when you're lonely like I was, its very very easy to make> mistakes like that. Especially regarding communication. I think that what> happens is we see and hear what we want to see and hear because even an> illusion sometimes 'feels' good when you have nothing.>
Good post.>
Hi Ron, Good post. i think you did the right thing for the right reasons. Don't let guys here who have never been with anything other than their hand give you any grief about dating a single mother. Their wisdom will keep them jerking off for the rest of their lives. Being lonely sucks and finding comfort with someone that makes you feel better is a good thing, even if it only lasts a short while. It is at least a respite from the loneliness. tom
I think it is as simple as a math formula which perhaps VirgoCluster> could elaborate upon. The chances of a successful pickup in a situation> such as checkout counter girl or waitress is directly in relation to the> man having a high rank and the woman having a lower one. For example, a 9> ranked man can easily pickup a 4 female but a 6 man and a 6 woman will not> work 99% of the time. What I'm getting at is that odd pickups WORK only> when the man is far better looking than the woman......if the equation> tends toward equal attractiveness the woman is not open for pickup...
The fact is that men are held to very high standards, while women are not. It's like the high-unemployment IT sector... the job applicant must have outstanding credentials to be considered - and even then there are hundreds of others wanting the job too.
<Hi Ron, Good post. i think you did the right thing for the right reasons. Don't let guys here who have never been with anything other than their hand give you any grief about dating a single mother. Their wisdom will keep them jerking off for the rest of their lives.>
You're correct here, and thats I why decided to ignore that post.
<Being lonely sucks and finding comfort with someone that makes you feel better is a good thing, even if it only lasts a short while. It is at least a respite from the loneliness.tom>
I have seen some lonely people do some pretty separate things in the name of respite. And I tend to empathize with them more so than not.
I remember this guy who while I was growing up who had an intense hatred towards women. (Or so he said) He was a little below average in height, skinny, and his hair was receding prematurely. So, lookswise, he was a little below average as well. Needless to say, with an angry personality to boot, he also never experienced having a girlfriend either so I assume thats where the 'I hate women' attitude came from - being rejected.
I remember visiting this church during one of my military leaves and being told by a church leader that this guy had his membership revoked (church) because he was dating a married woman. Now this was hardly a case of dating - the woman was a case/point of a person with victim mentality who went from one abusive relationship to another. And this guy was one of the in-between relationships. The man had a nice little position in the church he gave up for the chance at a relationship too - and when this guy sort of gossiped to me about the whole thing, I didn't like it. I told him what I just said - Lonely people do desparate things and that this church is wrong for being so insensative to that. People with wives and family looking down on someone who never had a relationship but wanted one and was acting out of desparation. If anything, they needed to advise him on what he was not seeing, that she was using him. Taking his membership was despicable I felt.
I was on a downward spiral when it came to my opinion of church during this era in life. And this event only helped me on that path.
The guy in this story, ended up getting burned in that relationship. He did end up marrying some woman who physically (and extremely) unattractive by normal standards. However, like I said - when a person longs for a relationship, its amazing what they will give up to have one. My father ran into this guy a few years ago and he says he's extremely happy. You know what, I'm happy for him too.
There are people in this forum who remind me somewhat of this person I mentioned. Claiming to hate and despise the one thing they desire the most.
There are people in this forum who remind me somewhat of this person I
mentioned. Claiming to hate and despise the one thing they desire the>most.
Why is this so difficult for you to understand? FIND A WOMAN WHO IS AVAILABLE..which means NO HUSBAND, NO BOYFRIEND...quit trying to eat the scraps off of someone else's plate...it SCREAMS of weakness and desperation....
RonW wrote:> And for the record, just because a woman has children from another relationship, doesn't mean the man who comes along next is eating table scraps...
or is just a meal ticket...
... and showing weakness.
A man doesn't have to allow himself to be merely an open wallet.
Its actually contrary to that - it takes a real man to come into a relationship where there is no father, and be a father to a child. Men who can do that have my respect.
You remind me of radio ad's I've heard for the National Fatherhood Initiative http://www.fatherhood.org/ , "It Takes a Man to be a Dad".
Shy Dolphin 12 December 2005 18:57:18 [ permanent link ]
Dear phy,
I hvae the same problem.It is hard to know how someone thinks. Basically it is difficult, imposible and hard. But that is meant to be like that! Even extro's talk just to know what th eothers thinks like. You know? Talking is the same as revealing secrets. That is why we shy people have mooths.
<A man doesn't have to allow himself to be merely an open wallet.>
You are correct. There are several different types of male provider characteristics.
Personally, I am a man who is benevolent to the lady I'm married to. When she became my girlfriend in '87, I told her she never had to work again. (she just turned 18 when we started going out.) However, thats not her character to just stay at home. She's hardworking and decided she wanted to go to school - so I paid to send her to school and now she works in her career of choice and almost makes what I do now after 16 years at my job. (Shes been in her position for 3 years)
Obviously, our standard of living has gone up because of all this. So, I don't regret a bit of the benevolence I extended to this girl. She's benevolent in return (and always was.)
The 'sucker' is the character type you're talking about. I'm not one of those.
"RonW" <rtw184@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:2353db21ff19813bb523c1e7db103772@localhost.talkaboutsupport.com...> <It's good that you understand the difference between being a male and> being a man>>
Bernd Jendrissek 14 December 2005 16:26:01 [ permanent link ]
-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- Hash: SHA1
In article <1134400770.588762.42910@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com> marasu <marasu@earthlink.net> wrote:>RonW wrote:>> Its actually contrary to that - it takes a real man to come into a>> relationship where there is no father, and be a father to a child.>> Men who can do that have my respect.>
You remind me of radio ad's I've heard for the National Fatherhood>Initiative http://www.fatherhood.org/ , "It Takes a Man to be a Dad".
Please stop this PC brainwashing. There is no extra nobility in seeking out harder circumstances than you need to accept.
- -- I've generally found that the fastest way to get the right answer on the net is to confidently assert the answer you believe to be right; those who know will immediately correct you, while if you just ask, often no answers arrive. All it requires is a willingness to look bad on occasion. - Joe Buck on gcc@gcc.gnu.org -----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE----- Version: GnuPG v1.4.2 (GNU/Linux) Comment: Please fetch my new key 804177F8 from hkp://wwwkeys.eu.pgp.net/
RonW wrote:> >> Its actually contrary to that - it takes a real man to come into a relationship where there is no father, and be a father to a child. Men who can do that have my respect.
Visi Caulk Mah Pnats 17 December 2005 10:02:15 [ permanent link ]
marasu wrote:
RonW wrote:> > >> Its actually contrary to that - it takes a real man to come into> > a relationship where there is no father, and be a father to a> > child. Men who can do that have my respect.>
Bernd Jendrissek wrote:> > Please stop this... brainwashing. There is no extra nobility in> > seeking out harder circumstances than you need to accept.>
Fine -- then what makes it easier for a man to seek a single> non-mother if he already loves a single mother? Have some faith that> it could work.
"Largo" <coats2005@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:1135368190.946119.19610@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...> Again, one can be every bit a "man" without being a father.>
StephanieTheGoofy 11 July 2006 14:24:29 [ permanent link ]
DH an dI had some wine. We sat on the porch and talked. (Porch! Red Alert! Porch is #1 smoking zone.) Had some bootie. Of course, after bootie is smoking time.
And me? No smokes. I made a comment about how I wanted one once. And then decided that I am really no thaving fun with this cough and resetting progress on that would suck.
AND I would have to come here and report another busted quit. And that would be no fun either.
Marvin The Paranoid Android 11 July 2006 17:49:49 [ permanent link ]
StephanieTheGoofy wrote:> DH an dI had some wine. We sat on the porch and talked. (Porch! Red Alert!> Porch is #1 smoking zone.) Had some bootie. Of course, after bootie is> smoking time.>
And me? No smokes. I made a comment about how I wanted one once. And then> decided that I am really no thaving fun with this cough and resetting> progress on that would suck.>
AND I would have to come here and report another busted quit. And that would> be no fun either.>
Stephanie
WTG Steph!
You know ... repetition is the only way to really 'de-program' wine and bootie on the front porch as a trigger.
StephanieTheGoofy 11 July 2006 18:50:08 [ permanent link ]
"Marvin The Paranoid Android" <marvinparanoidandroid@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:1152625789.384398.161140@75g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...>
StephanieTheGoofy wrote:> > DH an dI had some wine. We sat on the porch and talked. (Porch! Red
Alert!> > Porch is #1 smoking zone.) Had some bootie. Of course, after bootie is> > smoking time.> >
And me? No smokes. I made a comment about how I wanted one once. And
then> > decided that I am really no thaving fun with this cough and resetting> > progress on that would suck.> >
AND I would have to come here and report another busted quit. And that
would> > be no fun either.> >
Stephanie>
WTG Steph!>
You know ... repetition is the only way to really 'de-program' wine and> bootie on the front porch as a trigger.>
What was interesting is that the whole wanting to smoke lasted only about 3 minutes. Once the decision not to was made, it was like yeah Ok. I am really happy I decided to not smoke. I have this really nasty cough and throat tickle that I *hate*. I cannot wait to get rid of it!
"StephanieTheGoofy" <notgonnadoit@ihatespam.com> wrote in message news:AUOsg.1049$qd3.313@trndny05...> What was interesting is that the whole wanting to smoke lasted only about > 3> minutes. Once the decision not to was made, it was like yeah Ok. I am > really> happy I decided to not smoke. I have this really nasty cough and throat> tickle that I *hate*. I cannot wait to get rid of it!
An excellent job of facing down the triggers and learning from doing so! You deserve a great big reward today. That is totally super. And remember, every time you practice these skills they get stronger, so it'll be that much easier the next time you face these triggers.
That's what this is all about, Stephanie. Just keep beating down those triggers one at a time. You are WINNING! Cheers! Cat
"StephanieTheGoofy" <notgonnadoit@ihatespam.com> wrote in message news:x%Ksg.2469$me2.2068@trndny08...> DH an dI had some wine. We sat on the porch and talked. (Porch! Red Alert!> Porch is #1 smoking zone.) Had some bootie. Of course, after bootie is> smoking time.>
And me? No smokes. I made a comment about how I wanted one once. And then> decided that I am really no thaving fun with this cough and resetting> progress on that would suck.>
AND I would have to come here and report another busted quit. And that > would> be no fun either.>
