How can I stop forgetting I shouldn't avoid people and shouldn't avoid interacting with anyone if they're available for a conversation? Because I found that almost every interaction and conversation with people brings me out of shyness and social phobia, I always use ANY chance I have to talk with anyone to the best of my ability. If I see someone I know, I go up and say hi and/or try to find something to comment on. Anything to start a conversation. And yet I sometimes have trouble remembering this and end up going back to my old habits of avoiding people.
Take last night for example. I was in a restaurant when I noticed a lady I knew across the other side looking at me. I purposely avoided eye contact and pretended not to see her. With my peripheral vision I could see she continued to look as I walked passed as if trying or hopping to have me notice her to talk to her. But I walked on by afraid to make contact. I was afraid I wouldn't have known what to say and so on. When I turned around to answer someone who had called my name, I pretended that I had just noticed her. And I waved hi, exchanged smiles and then walk away. It was very clear she wanted more than that: she wanted to talk like we had a few times before. What was I so afraid of this time? It couldn't have been 'cause it was a 'she', because I sometimes forget with others as well.
I grabbed a taxi and returned home where I later became angry at myself for not having remembered to not avoid anyone!
How can I stop forgetting I shouldn't avoid people and shouldn't avoid interacting with anyone if they're available for a conversation? Because I have found that almost every interaction and conversation with people brings me out of shyness, I always use ANY chance I have to talk with anyone to the best of my ability. If I see someone I know, I go up and say hi and/or try to find something to comment on. Anything to start a conversation. And yet I sometimes have trouble remembering this and end up going back to my old habits of avoiding people.
Take last night for example. I was in a restaurant when I noticed a lady I knew across the other side looking at me. I purposely avoided eye contact and pretended not to see her. With my peripheral vision I could see she continued to look as I walked passed as if trying or hopping to have me notice her to talk to her. But I walked on by afraid to make contact. I was afraid I wouldn't have known what to say and so on. When I turned around to answer someone who had called my name, I pretended that I had just noticed her. And I waved hi, exchanged smiles and then walk away. It was very clear she wanted more than that: she wanted to talk like we had a few times before. What was I so afraid of this time? It couldn't have been 'cause it was a 'she', because I sometimes forget with others as well.
I grabbed a taxi and returned home where I later became angry at myself for not having remembered to not avoid anyone!
Okay... so I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive of my therapy and my needs... who is actually more than wonderful. For a while after my divorce from my first husband, I went through a time span in my life that I regret. However, I made a friend that i have kept in email contact with until recently... and I miss him. Don't get me wrong... we are just friends. He was from a very bad time period in my life and I think I am grasping on to strings to anything of a life from my past.... before I started remembering all this crap. Although, realistically it is probably a bad idea to keep writing him. Anyways... I guess my point is that I am grasping on to straws...anything from my past life to remember that hasn't left. I have a strange habit of disconnecting with everything in my life. I'm hoping that will change. The man I have lost contact with helped me through a bad time in my life with my divorce. The girls in me are missing him, I suppose. I dated him for a while after my divorce, before I met my current husband... and while we have just emailed each other for the past 2 years... I am upset that we no longer write. Just feeling alone...
We understand.. we had a friend like that that we don't keep in touch with now either and we miss him too.
Don't have much to contribute other than that.. but thought we'd just say we heard and understand..
Rainstar
chloedanzer wrote:> Okay... so I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive of my> therapy and my needs... who is actually more than wonderful. For a> while after my divorce from my first husband, I went through a time> span in my life that I regret. However, I made a friend that i have> kept in email contact with until recently... and I miss him. Don't get> me wrong... we are just friends. He was from a very bad time period in> my life and I think I am grasping on to strings to anything of a life> from my past.... before I started remembering all this crap. Although,> realistically it is probably a bad idea to keep writing him.> Anyways... I guess my point is that I am grasping on to> straws...anything from my past life to remember that hasn't left. I> have a strange habit of disconnecting with everything in my life. I'm> hoping that will change. The man I have lost contact with helped me> through a bad time in my life with my divorce. The girls in me are> missing him, I suppose. I dated him for a while after my divorce,> before I met my current husband... and while we have just emailed each> other for the past 2 years... I am upset that we no longer write. Just> feeling alone...
if this old friend is supportive of your therapy, then we'd say keep in touch. some of our old friends were upset with us for going into therapy and taking meds, it was like they didn't want us to get better, they liked the old hurting "ghyie" - but we didn't. others thought it was a great thing and were supportive. we would try and explain to the old friend that you are in t'py and maybe a little tiny bit of why, and see what kind of reply you get. If he is someone that can be supportive, then that is a good (eyes) thing!
glad you have a hubby who is supportive, that is very important.
when we were in t'py, it hleped tons (and still does) to talk with other survivors and others who are many. we're glad you found this place!!
hugs if safe kitty purrrrrrrrs and happy wiggly kitten images ;)
"ghyie"
On 8 Feb 2006 04:26:53 -0800, "chloedanzer" <rene_29622@hotmail.com> wrote:
Thanks Rainstar. It helps to know someone is listening.
It's interesting, this is something that has come up at my house.> Although unlike your wife I love long hikes as much as you do, it's> for the solitude & doesn't do much for socializing. Bringing up a kid,> you want to make sure he is exposed to lots of things, not just the> things you love.>
Seeing as how we live in the same region it seems to me you're asking> this question at the perfect time. This area crams a *lot* of> outdoor/festival activities into the short summer season. This weekend> there's a greek festival ...... mmmmm dolmas There's not much> going on in this area during a lot of the year but there's something> going on every day in summer. And afterwards you'll find a long walk> in the woods good medicine
What region do you two live in? I don't remember either of you two mentioning it before.
On 8 Jun 2006 05:45:24 -0700, "Rainier" <rainierbaker@hotmail.com> wrote:
lm wrote:>
It's interesting, this is something that has come up at my house.>> Although unlike your wife I love long hikes as much as you do, it's>> for the solitude & doesn't do much for socializing. Bringing up a kid,>> you want to make sure he is exposed to lots of things, not just the>> things you love.>>
Seeing as how we live in the same region it seems to me you're asking>> this question at the perfect time. This area crams a *lot* of>> outdoor/festival activities into the short summer season. This weekend>> there's a greek festival ...... mmmmm dolmas There's not much>> going on in this area during a lot of the year but there's something>> going on every day in summer. And afterwards you'll find a long walk>> in the woods good medicine >
What region do you two live in? I don't remember either of you two>mentioning it before.
Bernd Jendrissek 8 June 2006 17:17:45 [ permanent link ]
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In article <1149761727.997383.78720@c74g2000cwc.googlegroups.com> RonW <rtw184@hotmail.com> wrote:>Greetings everyone,
Greetings Ron.
No specific advice from me and my armchair, but try to remember that your wife loved and loves you the way you are. Remember how you said she saw something in you even in your dump of an apartment when you met her?
For all I know she might like being in your drab, boring, predictable life precisely because it is a safe refuge from her daytime extroversion. Are you sure she's an extrovert, somebody who recharges her batteries by being in the buzz among people? Or is she an introvert (recharges in the relative isolation of a quiet home base) with strong social skills?
- -- Problems experienced downstream are symptoms of neglect upstream. Upstream problems can only be solved upstream. - someone -----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE----- Version: GnuPG v1.4.2 (GNU/Linux) Comment: Please fetch my new key 804177F8 from hkp://wwwkeys.eu.pgp.net/
<Seeing as how we live in the same region it seems to me you're asking this question at the perfect time. >
I read the weekend section in the post standard each week and everything requires being around traffic,crowds, and people. But I've decided to take up the same attitude I have with excursions to the state lands - you don't stop going because it 'might' rain - if that was the case you'd never go.
Same thing I guess with this - get used to it. (people, crowds, etc)
< For all I know she might like being in your drab, boring, predictable> life precisely because it is a safe refuge from her daytime> extroversion. Are you sure she's an extrovert, somebody who recharges> her batteries by being in the buzz among people? Or is she an introvert> (recharges in the relative isolation of a quiet home base) with strong> social skills?>
She can set her clock by me so she says. Believe me on the extrovert part though - shes as bubbly and social as it gets when shes away from home. But she also can't appriciate enough the privacy we have - it is recharging to be able to keep things at arms length. Alot of people don't have the privilege.
On 8 Jun 2006 18:54:38 -0700, "RonW" <rtw184@hotmail.com> wrote:
<Seeing as how we live in the same region it seems to me you're asking>this question at the perfect time. >>
I read the weekend section in the post standard each week and>everything requires being around traffic,crowds, and people. But I've>decided to take up the same attitude I have with excursions to the>state lands - you don't stop going because it 'might' rain - if that>was the case you'd never go.>
Same thing I guess with this - get used to it. (people, crowds, etc)>
I read the weekend section in the post standard each week and> everything requires being around traffic,crowds, and people. But I've> decided to take up the same attitude I have with excursions to the> state lands - you don't stop going because it 'might' rain - if that> was the case you'd never go.>
Same thing I guess with this - get used to it. (people, crowds, etc)>
Work in progress.
Yes, I know what you mean. I'm already dreading the whole festival circuit. Watching parades and all that boring extroverted stuff makes my skin crawl. But at least going to a festival or two will get me out of the dinner and a movie rut.
<Most state parks have rental cabins, a few in my state even come with hot tubs. Maybe you could find something of that sort where you live. >
We are planning a vacation this year where we rent a cabin, possibly Old Orchard Beach. We'll see - your suggestion was her suggestion and while I kind of feel camping saves money, at this point I'm developing a 'spare no expense' type attitude.
<The occasional weekend getaway for you and the Mrs. to a B& B would be a good way to remind her that you still find her hot too. >
Now this is a simple suggestion, but a good idea.
<Also, doing something that she likes more than you might be a good way to show her that what she likes is important to you. >
Last night I took her out to dinner, and had a deep discussion with her afterwards. On impulse,kind of after we talked, I took her to the mall and wandered and talked more, browsed by kay jewelers and I bought some diamond jewelery for her, and some other things. In the past I've always told this girl how hot she is and how much I like looking at her even when she's doing nothing more but pushing a grocery cart. However, sometimes telling someone how pretty they are and then ignoring them the rest of the time isn't convincing. I've been in a low tolerant season for a few weeks and I don't know the reason either. When I know my mood is off, I tend to go on that 'auto-pilot' I mentioned mainly so I am occupying my mind and not saying things I don't want to say. When we talk about aspergers, sometimes I wonder it this is part of all that - then I wonder if it's part of being human. (Not sure)
So, I'm at a point now where I realize I need to 'will away' this mood before I burn the house down. (not literally). Part of our discussion involved merging our interests - something we haven't done in the 17 years we've been a couple.
<Why did you marry a women who seems to not have any of the likes that you do? I wouldn't ever consider a women who was "afraid of the woods", for instance, if I decided to get hitched to a ball and chain, like the marraige contract is for western Men. >
It started out because she's cute, and attractive. Honestly I didn't know (or care) whether she shared some of my interests because I've always had few interests other than the whole wandering, hiking, camping thing. And to go further, having her in my life has kind of opened up a bigger world - even though I tend to resist it.
"RonW" <rtw184@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:1149836115.960390.212550@c74g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...> Greetings crfan,>
<Most state parks have rental cabins, a few in my state even come with> hot> tubs. Maybe you could find something of that sort where you live. >>
We are planning a vacation this year where we rent a cabin, possibly> Old Orchard Beach. We'll see - your suggestion was her suggestion and> while I kind of feel camping saves money, at this point I'm developing> a 'spare no expense' type attitude.>
<The occasional weekend getaway for you and the Mrs. to a B& B would be> a> good way to remind her that you still find her hot too. >>
Now this is a simple suggestion, but a good idea.>
<Also, doing something that she likes more than you might be a good way> to> show her that what she likes is important to you. >>
Last night I took her out to dinner, and had a deep discussion with> her afterwards. On impulse,kind of after we talked, I took her to the> mall and wandered and talked more, browsed by kay jewelers and I bought> some diamond jewelery for her, and some other things. In the past I've> always told this girl how hot she is and how much I like looking at her> even when she's doing nothing more but pushing a grocery cart. However,> sometimes telling someone how pretty they are and then ignoring them> the rest of the time isn't convincing. I've been in a low tolerant> season for a few weeks and I don't know the reason either. When I know> my mood is off, I tend to go on that 'auto-pilot' I mentioned mainly so> I am occupying my mind and not saying things I don't want to say. When> we talk about aspergers, sometimes I wonder it this is part of all that> - then I wonder if it's part of being human. (Not sure)>
So, I'm at a point now where I realize I need to 'will away' this mood> before I burn the house down. (not literally). Part of our discussion> involved merging our interests - something we haven't done in the 17> years we've been a couple.>
Thanks/RW>
The way i see it Ron, you love your wife enough to look for ways to express it and that shows that you are a good man. Do what your heart tells you and i'm certain you'll do the right thing. tom
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