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GYXE > Depression > I miss feelings 23 July 2007 18:59:30
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I miss feelings

Dan 23 July 2007 18:59:30
 Hi. I had my first manic episode about a year ago. I was hospitalized
and put on xyprexa and lithium. I gained about 30 lbs. I was also
prescribed fluoxitine for a few months with the lithium due to a severe
depression. I stopped taking the xyprexa for the side effects,
especcially the weight gain, and had 2 more manic episodes that put me
in the hospital. First I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder NOS (not
otherwise specified). Now my new diagnosis is Schizoaffective
Disorder-bipolar type.


For the past 6 months I have been forced to take haldol injections once
a month as a part of my court-ordered treatment. I was taken off
lithium and put on 1500 mg per day of depakote. So my medication is
(haldol 75mg injections + 1 mg haldol tab per day)+ 1500 mg depakote
per day. The medication has ended the manic episodes so far but I am
severely depressed, I think.


I've never been sucidal. I've thought about it a lot but never
seriously with intent. I just have absolutely no motivation to do
anything anymore. I can sit for hours starring blankly at the wall
thinking of nothing. I sleep 12-16 hours a day and wake up feeling
unrested. I am bored and boring. My mind is like a dead thick brick.
I am slow moving, slow thinking, and weak. I have no interests,
inititive, or creativity anymore. I don't want to take the effort to
do anything as simple as shaving or doing laundry.


But what I miss most of all are feelings. I am not happy or sad. I
feel nothing--I have no emotional reactions to anything. I cannot feel
the very fine emotional mental states created by music, art, movies, or
the feelings of other people anymore. I am like an old slow computer
running windows 95 or something. I wonder if I would even feel bad if
I lost my whole family in a plane crash or if one of my cats died. I
do not laugh or make jokes anymore. I do not cry. I am not moved by
anything. I feel dead inside.


If this is what the drugs are supposed to do I want nothing to do with
them. I was much better before I started this "treatment." Plus, my
manic episodes were awesome for me so I don't mind going off the
medication if I risk going manic. I feel sorry for people who have
never felt what it is like to be manic--if that is what I was
experiencing. I had a wonderful time and had some truely amazing
experiences when I was "manic." I thought I was fine until they put me
in the hospital and doped me up on all these terrible drugs. I feel
that these so-called "normal" people just don't understand. I don't
want to be like them.


Dan



Add comment
Colleen 17 February 2005 21:32:27 [ permanent link ]
 I understand your feelings. To me, it sounds like you're way overmedicated.
I have a friend in your situation and she goes through the same thing. She
can't get them to drop her meds and if she doesn't show up for her dosage at
the county facility there'll be a warrant out for her.

I don't have a solution for you but I do understand.

--
Colleen says, "I want to be paint!"

website/ www.plazaearth.com/­philo
see my latest work at
www.plazaearth.com/­philo/peaslurp.jpg
"Dan" <dbboice@hotmail.co­m> wrote in message
news:1119kf76jqbqk1­3@corp.supernews.com­...> Hi. I had my first manic episode about a year ago. I was hospitalized> and put on xyprexa and lithium. I gained about 30 lbs. I was also> prescribed fluoxitine for a few months with the lithium due to a severe> depression. I stopped taking the xyprexa for the side effects,> especcially the weight gain, and had 2 more manic episodes that put me> in the hospital. First I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder NOS (not> otherwise specified). Now my new diagnosis is Schizoaffective> Disorder-bipolar type.>
For the past 6 months I have been forced to take haldol injections once> a month as a part of my court-ordered treatment. I was taken off> lithium and put on 1500 mg per day of depakote. So my medication is> (haldol 75mg injections + 1 mg haldol tab per day)+ 1500 mg depakote> per day. The medication has ended the manic episodes so far but I am> severely depressed, I think.>
I've never been sucidal. I've thought about it a lot but never> seriously with intent. I just have absolutely no motivation to do> anything anymore. I can sit for hours starring blankly at the wall> thinking of nothing. I sleep 12-16 hours a day and wake up feeling> unrested. I am bored and boring. My mind is like a dead thick brick.> I am slow moving, slow thinking, and weak. I have no interests,> inititive, or creativity anymore. I don't want to take the effort to> do anything as simple as shaving or doing laundry.>
But what I miss most of all are feelings. I am not happy or sad. I> feel nothing--I have no emotional reactions to anything. I cannot feel> the very fine emotional mental states created by music, art, movies, or> the feelings of other people anymore. I am like an old slow computer> running windows 95 or something. I wonder if I would even feel bad if> I lost my whole family in a plane crash or if one of my cats died. I> do not laugh or make jokes anymore. I do not cry. I am not moved by> anything. I feel dead inside.>
If this is what the drugs are supposed to do I want nothing to do with> them. I was much better before I started this "treatment." Plus, my> manic episodes were awesome for me so I don't mind going off the> medication if I risk going manic. I feel sorry for people who have> never felt what it is like to be manic--if that is what I was> experiencing. I had a wonderful time and had some truely amazing> experiences when I was "manic." I thought I was fine until they put me> in the hospital and doped me up on all these terrible drugs. I feel> that these so-called "normal" people just don't understand. I don't> want to be like them.>




Add comment
Caden 17 February 2005 21:42:32 [ permanent link ]
 Dan <dbboice@hotmail.co­m> wrote:> If this is what the drugs are supposed to do I want nothing to do with> them. I was much better before I started this "treatment." Plus, my> manic episodes were awesome for me so I don't mind going off the> medication if I risk going manic. I feel sorry for people who have> never felt what it is like to be manic--if that is what I was> experiencing. I had a wonderful time and had some truely amazing> experiences when I was "manic." I thought I was fine until they put me> in the hospital and doped me up on all these terrible drugs. I feel> that these so-called "normal" people just don't understand. I don't> want to be like them.

Hi Dan -

As far as depression, don't get too discouraged. It will pass
eventually. If you can understand and use reason to distinguish
a medical problem from you (as in the person), it will help.
e.g. You're not boring, you're depressed. It's not too unlike
being sick with the flu, although the symptoms last much longer
obviously.

I was on zyprexa as well. I stopped taking it too. I had a
relapse as well. And the courts ordered me to take drugs as
well, although they left it to "a doctor" to prescribe "isotropic
drugs." My doctor generally worked very well with me to narrow
down a ridiculous cocktail to something manageable. Risperdal,
zyprexa, benztrophine, lithium, (something else) was the original
mix. Like you, I felt numb and stupid. I got lost in my own
neighborhood. I couldn't think straight. Now it's lithium
and lamictal. Perhaps your doctor can work with you. Haldol
is some serious stuff. I didn't even know it was prescribed
long term.

Anyway, keep your head up. Like you, I felt nothing was right
in my life. And someone else gave me the advice it would pass.
I didn't believe them then. But it did pass eventually.

Good luck. I wish you the best.


Add comment
Diane 18 February 2005 03:03:00 [ permanent link ]
 I'm guessing that it's the depakote, but your pdoc could tell you more.
The problem with most drugs that treat bipolarity is that they make us
lethargic, sort of brain numb. 1500 mg depakote is a lot, imo. Is that the
minimum dose you can take? Could your pdoc try you on another med? I had a
lot of luck with lamictal, but now I've switched to trileptal, and I'm doing
fairly well (the lamictal stopped working as well as I wanted it to). Do
NOT go off your med without talking to your pdoc, but it would be a good
idea to talk to him/her about how you feel and ask about med options. I
don't know anything about schizoaffective or how these meds interact with
haldol, but your pdoc will be able to advise you. Being under a court order
is bound to complicate things, but if you show you are willing to cooperate
with your doctors, they usually will work with you to minimize the impact of
the meds.

Diane

"Dan" <dbboice@hotmail.co­m> wrote in message
news:1119kf76jqbqk1­3@corp.supernews.com­...> Hi. I had my first manic episode about a year ago. I was hospitalized> and put on xyprexa and lithium. I gained about 30 lbs. I was also> prescribed fluoxitine for a few months with the lithium due to a severe> depression. I stopped taking the xyprexa for the side effects,> especcially the weight gain, and had 2 more manic episodes that put me> in the hospital. First I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder NOS (not> otherwise specified). Now my new diagnosis is Schizoaffective> Disorder-bipolar type.>
For the past 6 months I have been forced to take haldol injections once> a month as a part of my court-ordered treatment. I was taken off> lithium and put on 1500 mg per day of depakote. So my medication is> (haldol 75mg injections + 1 mg haldol tab per day)+ 1500 mg depakote> per day. The medication has ended the manic episodes so far but I am> severely depressed, I think.>
I've never been sucidal. I've thought about it a lot but never> seriously with intent. I just have absolutely no motivation to do> anything anymore. I can sit for hours starring blankly at the wall> thinking of nothing. I sleep 12-16 hours a day and wake up feeling> unrested. I am bored and boring. My mind is like a dead thick brick.> I am slow moving, slow thinking, and weak. I have no interests,> inititive, or creativity anymore. I don't want to take the effort to> do anything as simple as shaving or doing laundry.>
But what I miss most of all are feelings. I am not happy or sad. I> feel nothing--I have no emotional reactions to anything. I cannot feel> the very fine emotional mental states created by music, art, movies, or> the feelings of other people anymore. I am like an old slow computer> running windows 95 or something. I wonder if I would even feel bad if> I lost my whole family in a plane crash or if one of my cats died. I> do not laugh or make jokes anymore. I do not cry. I am not moved by> anything. I feel dead inside.>
If this is what the drugs are supposed to do I want nothing to do with> them. I was much better before I started this "treatment." Plus, my> manic episodes were awesome for me so I don't mind going off the> medication if I risk going manic. I feel sorry for people who have> never felt what it is like to be manic--if that is what I was> experiencing. I had a wonderful time and had some truely amazing> experiences when I was "manic." I thought I was fine until they put me> in the hospital and doped me up on all these terrible drugs. I feel> that these so-called "normal" people just don't understand. I don't> want to be like them.>



Add comment
Diane 18 February 2005 03:03:00 [ permanent link ]
 I'm guessing that it's the depakote, but your pdoc could tell you more.
The problem with most drugs that treat bipolarity is that they make us
lethargic, sort of brain numb. 1500 mg depakote is a lot, imo. Is that the
minimum dose you can take? Could your pdoc try you on another med? I had a
lot of luck with lamictal, but now I've switched to trileptal, and I'm doing
fairly well (the lamictal stopped working as well as I wanted it to). Do
NOT go off your med without talking to your pdoc, but it would be a good
idea to talk to him/her about how you feel and ask about med options. I
don't know anything about schizoaffective or how these meds interact with
haldol, but your pdoc will be able to advise you. Being under a court order
is bound to complicate things, but if you show you are willing to cooperate
with your doctors, they usually will work with you to minimize the impact of
the meds.

Diane

"Dan" <dbboice@hotmail.co­m> wrote in message
news:1119kf76jqbqk1­3@corp.supernews.com­...> Hi. I had my first manic episode about a year ago. I was hospitalized> and put on xyprexa and lithium. I gained about 30 lbs. I was also> prescribed fluoxitine for a few months with the lithium due to a severe> depression. I stopped taking the xyprexa for the side effects,> especcially the weight gain, and had 2 more manic episodes that put me> in the hospital. First I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder NOS (not> otherwise specified). Now my new diagnosis is Schizoaffective> Disorder-bipolar type.>
For the past 6 months I have been forced to take haldol injections once> a month as a part of my court-ordered treatment. I was taken off> lithium and put on 1500 mg per day of depakote. So my medication is> (haldol 75mg injections + 1 mg haldol tab per day)+ 1500 mg depakote> per day. The medication has ended the manic episodes so far but I am> severely depressed, I think.>
I've never been sucidal. I've thought about it a lot but never> seriously with intent. I just have absolutely no motivation to do> anything anymore. I can sit for hours starring blankly at the wall> thinking of nothing. I sleep 12-16 hours a day and wake up feeling> unrested. I am bored and boring. My mind is like a dead thick brick.> I am slow moving, slow thinking, and weak. I have no interests,> inititive, or creativity anymore. I don't want to take the effort to> do anything as simple as shaving or doing laundry.>
But what I miss most of all are feelings. I am not happy or sad. I> feel nothing--I have no emotional reactions to anything. I cannot feel> the very fine emotional mental states created by music, art, movies, or> the feelings of other people anymore. I am like an old slow computer> running windows 95 or something. I wonder if I would even feel bad if> I lost my whole family in a plane crash or if one of my cats died. I> do not laugh or make jokes anymore. I do not cry. I am not moved by> anything. I feel dead inside.>
If this is what the drugs are supposed to do I want nothing to do with> them. I was much better before I started this "treatment." Plus, my> manic episodes were awesome for me so I don't mind going off the> medication if I risk going manic. I feel sorry for people who have> never felt what it is like to be manic--if that is what I was> experiencing. I had a wonderful time and had some truely amazing> experiences when I was "manic." I thought I was fine until they put me> in the hospital and doped me up on all these terrible drugs. I feel> that these so-called "normal" people just don't understand. I don't> want to be like them.>



Add comment
Dan 25 February 2005 18:01:21 [ permanent link ]
 Hey folks. Thank you for your reassuring annd thoughtful responses.
Of all the places I have been before in my experiences so far in this
life, this is by far the worst. This is the eternal flat-line world.
I can't stand it. It is the mental experience equivalent to playing
one single flat note on a keyboard endlessly, or rather, like listening
to a long blank track on a CD. I can't think with any *depth* anymore.
Music is just noise now. I used to love listening to and playing
music, reading, writing, philosophizing about things, and engaging my
mind in other hobbies and interests. I used to love using and
challenging my mind and learning new things. The world is boring and
uninteresting now, glassy. I used to be toally fascinated by all
aspects of my reality. I was much more productive and enjoyed my life
immensely more prior to this forced "treatment." I have lost all tthe
creative excitement I used to have. I am now much worse off than I
have ever been before I was forced to take all of these mind-numbing
drugs.

I have also noticed that I have almost completely lost my sense of
smell, which is interesting. It takes quite a bit of concentration to
smell things around me. Everything is slower coming in. I wonder if
this is a common side effect as well, i.e., to loose or dull your
senses. My eyesight is also blurry. I have to focus on objects and
words longer in order to see them clearly. I have also lost other
senses of awareness that I used to have. The drugs have severely
dimmed down my experience of the world.

I have done nothing illegal. I have never threated to do anything
illegal. I have never threatened anyone with physical harm. I have
never thought I was anyone else but myself or had any grandiose
delusions, etc. My life has been nothing but worse off since people
started forcing this unwanted "help" on to me.



Add comment
Gary Rimar 26 February 2005 10:35:05 [ permanent link ]
 "Dan" <dbboice@hotmail.co­m> wrote in message
news:1109340081.876­854.171580@l41g2000c­wc.googlegroups.com.­..> Hey folks. Thank you for your reassuring annd thoughtful responses.> Of all the places I have been before in my experiences so far in this> life, this is by far the worst. This is the eternal flat-line world.> I can't stand it. It is the mental experience equivalent to playing> one single flat note on a keyboard endlessly, or rather, like listening> to a long blank track on a CD. I can't think with any *depth* anymore.> Music is just noise now. I used to love listening to and playing> music, reading, writing, philosophizing about things, and engaging my> mind in other hobbies and interests. I used to love using and> challenging my mind and learning new things. The world is boring and> uninteresting now, glassy. I used to be toally fascinated by all> aspects of my reality. I was much more productive and enjoyed my life> immensely more prior to this forced "treatment." I have lost all tthe> creative excitement I used to have. I am now much worse off than I> have ever been before I was forced to take all of these mind-numbing> drugs.>
I have also noticed that I have almost completely lost my sense of> smell, which is interesting. It takes quite a bit of concentration to> smell things around me. Everything is slower coming in. I wonder if> this is a common side effect as well, i.e., to loose or dull your> senses. My eyesight is also blurry. I have to focus on objects and> words longer in order to see them clearly. I have also lost other> senses of awareness that I used to have. The drugs have severely> dimmed down my experience of the world.>
I have done nothing illegal. I have never threated to do anything> illegal. I have never threatened anyone with physical harm. I have> never thought I was anyone else but myself or had any grandiose> delusions, etc. My life has been nothing but worse off since people> started forcing this unwanted "help" on to me.>

You may be somewhat overmedicated. Talk to your Pdoc about this. Also,
find out what your treatment plan is (by asking). Figure out if they can
pick you up off of the flatline without sending you into something much
worse (like a hospital or a jail).





Add comment
Guest 26 February 2005 12:57:01 [ permanent link ]
 Hey Dan,

I would take a copy of your posts to your Pdoc. It really does sound
like you are over medicated. As someone else said talk to your Pdoc
and let them know exactly what is going on. I am absolutely sure they
will work with you. All of us respond differently to meds, and it does
take time to come up with the right combination and dosage. I
wouldn't wait and call him/her now.

I want you to know that I can relate to how you feel. I have said to
my own Pdoc that I do not mind the medications but I still want to have
a full range of my emotions. I am not there 1005 but it has gotten a
lot better. But don't give up and just quit your meds. I do believe
that will ultimately only make things worse. Let us know how you are
doing.
Steve



Dan wrote:> Hey folks. Thank you for your reassuring annd thoughtful responses.> Of all the places I have been before in my experiences so far in this> life, this is by far the worst. This is the eternal flat-line world.> I can't stand it. It is the mental experience equivalent to playing> one single flat note on a keyboard endlessly, or rather, like
listening> to a long blank track on a CD. I can't think with any *depth*
anymore.> Music is just noise now. I used to love listening to and playing> music, reading, writing, philosophizing about things, and engaging my> mind in other hobbies and interests. I used to love using and> challenging my mind and learning new things. The world is boring and> uninteresting now, glassy. I used to be toally fascinated by all> aspects of my reality. I was much more productive and enjoyed my
life> immensely more prior to this forced "treatment." I have lost all
tthe> creative excitement I used to have. I am now much worse off than I> have ever been before I was forced to take all of these mind-numbing> drugs.>
I have also noticed that I have almost completely lost my sense of> smell, which is interesting. It takes quite a bit of concentration
smell things around me. Everything is slower coming in. I wonder if> this is a common side effect as well, i.e., to loose or dull your> senses. My eyesight is also blurry. I have to focus on objects and> words longer in order to see them clearly. I have also lost other> senses of awareness that I used to have. The drugs have severely> dimmed down my experience of the world.>
I have done nothing illegal. I have never threated to do anything> illegal. I have never threatened anyone with physical harm. I have> never thought I was anyone else but myself or had any grandiose> delusions, etc. My life has been nothing but worse off since people> started forcing this unwanted "help" on to me.



Add comment
Nom dePlume 28 February 2005 08:30:56 [ permanent link ]
 Why are you taking haldol? Do you have psychosis? Antipsychotic
medications usually work in part by blocking dopamine receptors,
something often called "dopamine blockade". Schizophrenia can be at
least partially controlled by this process, but if you aren't
psychotic, I can't think of any good reason to be taking haldol.
Since dopamine is the neurotransmitter associated with the ability to
have positive feelings, joy, libido, and so forth, I wouldn't be
surprised to hear that suppressing dopamine activity leads to
anhedonia (the inability to feel positive emotions).

I'm troubled by the idea of you taking an antipsychotic medication for
bipolar disorder. Mood stabilizers, such as Lamictal, Depakote,
Lithium, and so forth would seem more appropriate. I would urge you to
have your doctor reconsider your medication regimen; for that matter,
I would absolutely want a second opinion in your shoes. Haldol is no
joke--it can cause you serious grief, including permanent damage to
your nervous system. There are times when it is better than the
alternatives, but the alternatives have to be pretty bad for that to
be true.

--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D

Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.

Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocitie­s.com/nomdeplume1000­
=====



Add comment
Dan 28 February 2005 17:42:00 [ permanent link ]
 I'm not sure why my doctor chose to prescribe Haldol. She said it
would prevent me from becoming manic. I have had some problems with
this previous doctor. This doctor also almost killed me by prescribing
3000 mg of depakote a day along with the haldol injections. I was
given the depakote as prescribed: take 6 tabs 500 mg by mouth once a
day before bed. After a few days of being severely nauseous I
collapsed and went into a coma. After being released from the hospital
for that my depakote was changed to 1500 mg per day.

My manic or psycotic episodes were very interesting. I felt no need
for sleep. I would not be tired or drowsy even after being wide awake
for over a week. After a few days of being awake I would experience a
change in my perception. It is difficult to describe this to people
that have never experienced it. It is a deepinging and expanding of
awareness. It is somewhat equivalent to waking up after having being
asleep. I experienced an extreemly rich clarity of thought and
perceptual awareness. My sense of time changed and became much more
focused on and aware of the present moment, it was as though time
stopped. It was an enlightening experience, what others might desribe
as deeply "spiritual." I saw awe-inspiring genius all around me. I
would watch a movie or read a book or talk to someone about some topic
then sit for hours utterly facinated by all the seemingly brilliant
underlying references I could make to what was presented or discussed.
I would sit and think about an idea or a problem and experience joy and
excitement as I worked out solutions and came up with new ideas and
theories that I had not heard of or thought of before. I would think,
"WOW! that is a really awesome idea" or "Whoa, that was really cool, or
deeply moving thought." I experienced emotions I never felt before as
I listened to music, looked at artwork, or other forms of
communication. I thought art and music were ways of transferring
emotional experiences to others, copying the emotional mental state. I
would try to understand and relive what artists were trying to
communicate. There were some really finely tuned mental experiences
that I had never experienced before.

I would become deeply moved and emotional at the beauty I saw all
around me. I saw humor all around me and would sometimes burst out
laughing at some of the things I observed or thought of or at the funny
things people would say or do. I would go out on long nature walks and
feel a deep connectedness to the mind of nature and the other animals
and critters around me. I would be deeply moved by these experiences.
It was heavenly. I would feel a deep sadness for the needless
suffering of others and felt a need to help others releave their
suffering in any way I could. This is where I would start to get into
trouble.

I would take off work and go downtown and walk around talking to
homeless people like they were my friends. We would sit and talk about
life, what they were doing here, and so on. To my surprise I found
that many homeless people are quite happy and lead very interesting
lives and come from some unexpected backrounds. I would give away
money to people who needed it without thinking twice about it. I even
remember pulling my car up to the sidewalk and throwing money out the
window of my car onto the sidewalk and driving away, happy thinking
that I would make somebody's day. I remember cheerfully smiling and
thinking to myself as I drove away, the handfull of coins tinkering to
the sidewalk and the bills flapping away in the wind, "just like
feeding the birds!" I thought if I had any extra money the right thing
to do was to share it with others who needed it. I enjoyed doing this.
I didn't go on lavish spending sprees or gamble my money away, I gave
it all away. I didn't want to do anything with money except to give
away as much as I could to people who needed it. I was extreemly kind
to other people and enjoyed listening attentively to other people's
stories and troubles. I thought what we needed to do was for everyone
to just stop what they are doing, take a look around, and start
listening, helping, and taking care of each other. A lot of people
seemed to be sleepwalking through their lives or were afraid to do
anything. We needed to find anyone that was being left out or who were
suffering in some way and help them. I even took in a homeless abused
teenager. I gave him food and housing. I took him to a school and got
him enrolled. I became his friend. I was on a mission to help that
kid everyone had forgotten about. He refused to let me take him to CPS,
having had some terrible experiences in the past with group homes and
the system. I realize now that this was pretty crazy thinking. No one
cares that much about other people.

I didn't do anything dangerous or illegal. I was enjoying it all very
much. I started getting in trouble also when I became very interested
in other people's religions and their experiences. I set up a meeting
with my aunt and uncle to talk to them about their religion
(Mormanism), which they were very happy to do. I was very interested
in their ideas of time and space. While I was talking to them I
started to have some experiences with my body, it felt like it was
dematerializing, fading away or something, becoming fluid like thought.
It was very strange, hypnotic. It started with my mouth. I told them
about this experience. They both started seeming very old and very
wise, they even started appearing to me to be very old, ancient. My
uncle jumped up and went very quickly to the other room to make a phone
call. When he came back he seemed somewhat excited, like something was
big was going on behind the scenes that they didn't want to tell me
about. My body started coming back to normal. After talking for a
while longer I thanked them for their time and the reading materials
and left. I told them as I left that if there was anything that I
could do from my little world to help theirs to let me know. My uncle
laughed about this and I went on my way.

I could probably write a book describing my experiences of the next few
days. I had one experience that seemed to be an "out-of-body
experience" while I was laying down. My body seemed to be in two
places at once. I felt like I was slowly floating down through the bed
to the floor then back up into my body, connecting, then floating
slowly up towards the ceiling. I felt like I was controling it and was
practicing it, deliberately going up then back down. It was really
cool. One time when I came back up and connected I instantly realized
there was something like an insect or a spider about the size of a
taranchula on the center of my chest. I never felt it climb up, it was
just sitting there and I hadn't noticed it there before. I quickly
flicked it off and my cat quickly ate it with a crunching sound. It
was all very realistic, not at all like a dream. I felt very wide
awake.

As you can imagine, when you tell people about things like this they,
quite rightly I suppose, think that you are crazy and hallucinating. I
had some other really cool experiences.. That is, until I was locked up
in the hospital and forcibly injected with drugs. I'm not sure if you
folks are interested to hear any more of it.

Anyway, I guess that is why I have to take haldol now.

Later,

Dan



Add comment
R Murray 28 February 2005 23:09:33 [ permanent link ]
 Even rocket scientists and cowgirls and playboys get the blues-at least
FEEL something.I'd rather sadness than nuthin'.At a familly funeral I
looked like a zombie who couldn't even cry



Add comment
Ade 1 March 2005 12:37:27 [ permanent link ]
 "Dan" <dbboice@hotmail.co­m> wrote in news:1109598120.074­128.53070
@l41g2000cwc.google­groups.com:
I'm not sure if you> folks are interested to hear any more of it.>
Anyway, I guess that is why I have to take haldol now.>
Later,>
Dan

I'm interested

--
Ade
::


Add comment
Harry 2 March 2005 01:09:50 [ permanent link ]
 bad when you can't get angry even at the Internet kooks.



Add comment
Wolf 2 March 2005 03:42:29 [ permanent link ]
 frustrating to get mad but not angry.What am I to do?



Add comment
Nom dePlume 2 March 2005 10:43:22 [ permanent link ]
 You sound manic, not psychotic. I'm still very worried that you are
taking haldol. I would really, really urge you to get a second opinion
from a good psychiatrist. I am very concerned over the effects it may
be having on you. Could you please get a second opinion? I frankly
don't trust your current doctor.

Haldol is an *antipsychotic* drug, and dangerous. It is *not* for
bipolar disorder, and it scares the daylights out of me that you are
taking it for mania.

--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D

Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.

Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocitie­s.com/nomdeplume1000­
=====


"Dan" <dbboice@hotmail.co­m> wrote in message
news:1109598120.074­128.53070@l41g2000cw­c.googlegroups.com..­.> I'm not sure why my doctor chose to prescribe Haldol. She said it> would prevent me from becoming manic. I have had some problems with> this previous doctor. This doctor also almost killed me by
prescribing> 3000 mg of depakote a day along with the haldol injections. I was> given the depakote as prescribed: take 6 tabs 500 mg by mouth once a> day before bed. After a few days of being severely nauseous I> collapsed and went into a coma. After being released from the
hospital> for that my depakote was changed to 1500 mg per day.




Add comment
Dan 2 March 2005 17:16:56 [ permanent link ]
 I don't get mad or frustrated. Those emotions seem to be out of reach
now as well. Anyway, what are you angry about or mad about? Are you
upset about something I wrote? This is a newsgroup for kooky crazy
people with serious mental illness. What do you expect? I was just
describing some of my experiences with madness. My reality and
consciousness were in a severely altered state. It was like being on
drugs only with a sharp mental clarity. The only drugs I have ever
tried were marijuana (a long time ago) and alcohol, so I don't really
know what it is like to be on other drugs. I don't drink or use drugs.
Anyway, I don't see what there is to be upset about. If you have
bipolar or schizoaffective disorder you might experience mania with
psychotic features. I was responding to a question about why I have to
take Haldol, a serious antipsychotic drug with horrible side-effects.
I was trying to say that this new reality I have been put into with
these drugs is much worse. I can't feel anything and my senses are
dulled. I am now zombie-like, lethargic, sleepy all the time,
unproductive, and my mind is empty of thought. My personality used to
have so many different colorful sides to it, but now it is silent and
the same: blank. My life has become much worse than it was before and
I am now very unhappy and depressed.

In my psychotic state I was never a danger to anyone or myself. I
never broke any laws or threatened anyone. I was playfull and having
fun. Life was an adventure. When I turned on the radio it always
seemed to be playing the perfect song. For me it was an awesome
experience, not at all frightening or chaotic. I would be interested
to hear what other people experienced while they were manic. I was
quite happy and kept telling people I was fine, but they didn't believe
me. I would say, "I'm fine," and they would say, "you are not fine."
I was baffled by this. If I felt fine, how could anyone else
contradict me on the way I was feeling. I wonder if anyone else has
been through this routine. The only other thing they could say was
that my eyeballs seemed to be popping out of my head or that I was
beaming intensely. At first they thought I was "on something" by the
way my eyes looked. All my tests for drugs came back negative. I
didn't take any drugs. I understood that I was experiencing reality
differently, but I thought I was having a paradigm shift my thinking
about the world. You can't or it is very difficult to explain it to
people.

For some reason people seem to think it is their right to stop you from
having these experiences or from seeing reality any way you choose. My
feeling is that unless you break the law or threaten someone or
yourself you should be free if you choose to believe whatever you want,
or experience your reality any way it comes to you. I never said
anything that was false, like that I believed that I was someone else
or had paranoid dellusions or something like that. People just said
that they didn't like the way that I was thinking. How do they know
the way that I was thinking?! It is all just subjective opinions. I
was very happy the way I was even if people didn't understand and
thought I was crazy. I didn't care what other people thought of me.
That seemed ridiculous because everyone experiences reality
differently. I don't think anyone has the right to drug other people
if they don't want it. After they put the drugs in me at the hospital
that is when everything became very weird and drugy-like.

Later,

Dan



Add comment
Harry 3 March 2005 00:16:08 [ permanent link ]
 I got an intense liking for maria I met at the library.But Lithium
makes it hard to feel pain or pleasure,which surely women will bring.



Add comment
Guest 23 July 2007 18:59:30 [ permanent link ]
 Hi. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I take 25mg of Haldol every 4 weeks plus Geodon, Zoloft and Buspar. I feel terrific most days. Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about taking you down on the medications. That is a lot of antipsychotics. You may not realize it, but it is bad to be manic all the time. I'm at kristinbell.org if you ever want to talk. Take care.
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